Tag Archives: mental health

The Smiler, taken on my secret Alton Towers trip

There’s a story I haven’t told you all, one that I felt I couldn’t at the time. It’s my secret Alton Towers trip, and it happened on 28th May 2019. I’ve had two jobs in the NHS: clinical support worker in Gynaecology Outpatients (GOPD) and support worker in a Psychiatric Intensive Care Unit (PICU). On 18th August 2019, I made a post about starting my role in GOPD and what my fears were off the back of my job in the PICU. Those fears weren’t necessary as I enjoyed working in GOPD. What’s not obvious in that post is that I hadn’t been in work for nearly three months. Matt – my fiancĂ© – and I had had an amazing day at Alton Towers on 27th May. We’d played a joke on Dave with a Wicker Man sticker, ridden rollercoasters in the rain and set a new personal record for…

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Around the 23rd October, I was passively suicidal. Whilst I didn’t actually want to die and had no intent, my head was filled with the thoughts of it. “I want to die.” “I should just kill myself.” “I’m a waste of space.” “I don’t know why you love me because I’m a horrible person.” I laid under a thick throw and wondered if I would run out of oxygen and suffocate. And as the oxygen percentage in the air under the throw started to decrease, I started to panic and squirm a bit. My fiancĂ© came and hugged me through the throw, but I didn’t pull it off. Didn’t ask for him to pull it off. Just hoped that he eventually would without me saying so. And he did. I don’t know if I actually would have suffocated under the throw but after that experience and the panic that I…

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Here’s Emma, continuing with the personal posts. I thought this blog was for art now? Bear with me. So I’m writing this at the tail end of another depressive episode. I had night shifts last week, they triggered my anxiety and depression and turned me into someone who was snappy and irritable about everything and who hated myself, thought I deserved to starve myself because of nothing and generally believed that no one needed me and that my existence was pointless. Even typing that I want to cry and be sad about how low I was. I took two days off sick from work as a result of all of this and can now say, on payday (because everyone feels better on payday), that I do feel much better. I woke up in much better spirits this morning and watched Moana, which brings me onto the main topic of this…

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It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try To not let the hate, the abuse, the disinhibition Get to me   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try When the frustration, the dread, the hopelessness Hits me hard   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try When I fight through the tiredness, the sadness, the worries All the time   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try To get through the chaos, the madness, the restlessness Every day   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try So I can be the person you fell in love with.

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