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So I never wanted to take the TV with us when my fiancé and I moved into a house, but he wanted it so we kept it. That is until one day when I was thinking about it, came up with a list of arguments for getting rid of the TV, told him my reasons and he saw sense and agreed. He then went out with his friends for the evening and the second he was out the door I unplugged the TV and stuck it behind the sofa. (That makes it sound much easier than it was.) A few weeks later, we eventually got round to taking it and the TV stand to a charity shop. Now don’t get me wrong, we still have a TV. We bought a bigger and better one when we moved in exclusively for gaming. It’s not connected to an aerial so we can’t…

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Is a mistake actually a mistake if you only consider it that way when looking back? When I decided to follow the sciences back in Year 9, I believed I had no artistic talent and so picking anything other than media studies from the arts column during my options was pointless. I could have picked Triple Science too, only I wasn’t that sold on Science either, but more so than the arts. My mum said to at least choose Double Science; that would keep my options open when it came to college. By the time college came round, I’d decided to do A-levels in Biology, Chemistry, Psychology and Maths. I went on to do Psychology at university, and at the end of my third year was when I realised that I’d made seven years of the wrong choices. What mirror did I break, besides the tiny pocket one in my…

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… but still you eat another chocolate bar, watch another episode on Netflix, put another picture on social media. All the while, your dreams, wants and desires sit like a pile of books on your bedside table, waiting to be read. The dust starts to settle, and the pile gets higher with another book you’ve started because you left it so long after page ten that you’ve forgotten what little happened in the first one. More dust. Your phone’s new home becomes the top of your “to-read” pile. It will never collect dust. The closest those books get to being read is being brushed by your fingers as you fumble for your phone in the morning. At some point, you take note and tell yourself that you’ll pick it up again tonight but when tonight comes, you’re so tired that your head hits the pillow and then the day is…

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There’s a book with people’s names in, where they went to uni, what they’re doing now and what they wish they could be doing. Not everyone’s written what they wish they could be doing, but plenty have ambitions that are totally unrelated to the job they are doing now. And as I read these, I have to ask: why don’t they? Why don’t they become a DJ? Why don’t they become a journalist? Why don’t they spend their life travelling the world? Why, when we have this one life in which we can do absolutely anything, do we choose to do something we don’t want to do? I get the argument about paying bills. I’ve not left my current job at the drop of a hat because I need to pay my mortgage and be able to afford to eat. And I also get that when you’ve been following a…

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Around the 23rd October, I was passively suicidal. Whilst I didn’t actually want to die and had no intent, my head was filled with the thoughts of it. “I want to die.” “I should just kill myself.” “I’m a waste of space.” “I don’t know why you love me because I’m a horrible person.” I laid under a thick throw and wondered if I would run out of oxygen and suffocate. And as the oxygen percentage in the air under the throw started to decrease, I started to panic and squirm a bit. My fiancé came and hugged me through the throw, but I didn’t pull it off. Didn’t ask for him to pull it off. Just hoped that he eventually would without me saying so. And he did. I don’t know if I actually would have suffocated under the throw but after that experience and the panic that I…

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Here’s Emma, continuing with the personal posts. I thought this blog was for art now? Bear with me. So I’m writing this at the tail end of another depressive episode. I had night shifts last week, they triggered my anxiety and depression and turned me into someone who was snappy and irritable about everything and who hated myself, thought I deserved to starve myself because of nothing and generally believed that no one needed me and that my existence was pointless. Even typing that I want to cry and be sad about how low I was. I took two days off sick from work as a result of all of this and can now say, on payday (because everyone feels better on payday), that I do feel much better. I woke up in much better spirits this morning and watched Moana, which brings me onto the main topic of this…

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It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try To not let the hate, the abuse, the disinhibition Get to me   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try When the frustration, the dread, the hopelessness Hits me hard   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try When I fight through the tiredness, the sadness, the worries All the time   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try To get through the chaos, the madness, the restlessness Every day   It’s so hard to stay happy but I’ll try So I can be the person you fell in love with.

Poisonous The first thing I thought of, weirdly, when I read the word ‘poisonous’ was poison ivy. After a bit of googling, I found a few pictures of poison ivy and tried my hand at drawing it from memory. For someone very new to this art world, and definitely new to drawing with ink (i.e. today, more or less), I’m quite proud of this simple depiction of poison ivy. Inktober 2018 Prompts List

Yesterday, I went to Alton Towers for the fifth time this year and, while this blog is now dedicated to my artistic ventures, I couldn’t let it go unsaid just how BRILLIANT the day was! I can’t explain it. It was heaving! Th13teen and Rita, who normally run at queue times of 40-50 minutes at peak, were 70+; Wicker Man, once everyone had got in the park, was happily holding a queue time of an hour and a half; and The Smiler was much the same. In fact, Alton Towers kicked the closing time an hour later, to 6pm, because at quarter to five, the queue times for some of the park’s biggest rides were still well over an hour! You’d have thought with all of this, it would have been a horrible, stressful and frustrating day. You couldn’t be further from the truth. We started the day, at 8:40,…

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Various artistic sketches of Willy Wonka and others

I started drawing again. I mentioned at some point last year about reading down personality traits in an HEA Employability Guide for Psychology Students (scroll to page 42) and finding that I matched the ones under the title of “Artist” more than the ones under “Investigative”, and I find myself aligning more and more with them by the day. I’ve got instagram, and on there I’ve been posting about mental illness, my new cat (because I have a cute tabby called Gabi now, named after Gabrielle Aplin) and showcasing my sketches. Below is the fourth portrait I’ve ever done in my life, and it’s of Johnny Depp as Willy Wonka in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory: As you can see, I’ve also drawn my Amazon Fire TV remote and my fiancé wrapped up in a throw. Before these three, I’d not drawn since college. Additionally, I’ve got into the habit…

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